Trust is not something you hand over freely to people. So when you do trust people with things that are important to you, it hurts to have them thrown back in your face. I can't say that I am innocent in this regard; I have been known to let a few secrets slip a time or two. But small town gossip and what I'm referring to are not even on the same playing field.
It never fails, the minute you trust someone with something you give them the power to potentially hurt you. It's happened to me plenty of times in the past. An ex-boyfriend who knows how to get to you, a friend who thinks it will never get back to you, and even family whom you expect to never cross that line. Each time it happens you would expect that you would learn from it.
Well, if you know anything about me, you know that it takes me a while to learn from my mistakes (no examples needed here, the list goes on and on). It takes a lot for me to let people in. You could compare me to a layer cake. The outside layer is what everyone sees when they come in contact with me. This layer changes depending on the setting and how many four loko's I've had to drink. The next layer is reserved for those who decide they can put up with my antics and tolerate my unpredictable behavior. The next layer is cream cheese icing, just because I'm craving sweets right now.
The point is, once you delve deeper and deeper into this "cake" you will see that all the good stuff is in the center. You trust the people that are closest to you; therefore, those people are the ones who hold the power to hurt you. There are some lines that should never be crossed, some things that should never be said, and some actions that will never be forgotten. You can never undo your words once they have been spoken, and I have learned this the hard way a time or two. You can also never take back an action once you have done it.
I have been disappointed plenty of times in my life, and I have been the one to disappoint as well. There are things about me that no one knows, things that no one may ever know. The only person we can trust is ourselves, and even we let ourselves down now and then.
Today is a breaking point for me. I have had several epiphanies in the last week. Things seem to be a little more clear. I don't know if this is a growing up experience, seeing as how I haven't really grown up over the past several years. This is why I will be alone for the rest of my life; I will never be able to trust anyone. And some people just aren't worth it.
Trust is important in any kind of relationship and once it is gone, chances are it will never come back. Once you have broken trust it is a long and arduous road that lies ahead. I have learned today to treat others how I expect to be treated (something I should have picked up on a little earlier, but hey, now is better than never).
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