Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Maybe Everything Breaks Sometimes

It seems as if the theme of this week is change. I have come to realize I am utterly incapable of dealing with any type of change. This leads me to wonder how people can change at the drop of a hat. How is it that you can spend so much time with someone in one moment in time, and in the blink of an eye that same person isn't the same at all?

This specific question arose out of a relationship that has been over for quite a while now. I have only been in one 'real' relationship in college, and for the entirety of my 23 years to be exact. Sure, I have dated other people and have even thought I was in love a time or two (or three or four); but that's not the point. The point here is, once I truly found the one person that I honestly loved, losing him made me question everything I thought I had figured out.

As our relationship grew, my feelings for him grew exponentially. I can honestly say I would have done anything to make him happy. Just like any other relationship, we had our fair share of fights (yelling at each other in the middle of streets is normal right?), we made our own mistakes (that we may or may not have learned from), and we grew together (or so I thought). Maybe I took for granted the fact that I would never lose him, until the final time it happened.

We had broken up and gotten back together countless times. It happened so much it seemed to be the only thing constant in our relationship. So when our final blow-out took place I was sure this was only another bump in the road. In the end, it was the straw that broke the camel's back; the end of a dysfunctional, yet perfect relationship.

A few months later I tried to tell him how I felt, how sorry I was, etc. I was expecting a warm, welcoming response but... No. The person I thought I knew so well had done a 180 in the span of mere months. No matter how I try to shake this, it still bothers me to this day. How are people able to change so completely?

The only explanation I can come up with is that he simply fell out of love. As hard as that is for me to come to terms with, I know it happens and I am no exception. I have broken plenty of hearts and I am certain there will be more to come. I also have had my own heart broken and I know that it can be a learning experience and not simply a devastating blow.

I whole-heartedly believe that you never really get over your first love. Your first love somewhat ruins it for any future relationships you may have. I couldn't count how many times I found myself comparing potential boyfriends to 'the one'; and to this day no one has ever been good enough. I worry that no one will ever be good enough.

The fact that I still think about this infuriates me to no end. I wish I could move on, I wish I could forget about him, I wish I could hate him, etc. But in doing that, I would lose all the memories and experiences that have come to be so dear to me today. So here lies the catch-22. I guess although some people change it doesn't mean that I should too. And who knows? Maybe I am changing and don't even realize it yet. As I like to believe; only time will tell.

The only constant in life is change... Or is it?

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